Would do it all again

Remadora oneshot
Inspired by the new Molotov Jukebox song 'If I knew' - though completely different mood and all


A heavy rainfall drummed on the windows and Tonks was sitting on a windowsill, staring out into the grey, foggy garden. It was just mud and water and gathering darkness but she sat there and watched it for hours.
'Join us for lunch?' her father asked once and she grunted but didn't move. Staring out of the window seemed to demand just all the strength she had left.
'Dinner's ready!' she heard her mother crying from the kitchen and contemplated walking there and sitting with them, movement would have been good for her numb limbs.
'Dora, I am worried about you' said her father suddenly, placing a hand on her shoulder, and Tonks finally looked away from the rain, wondering for how long her father had been standing there.
'I'll be fine' she assured her father. Sure she'll be. After a while. She always gets better, after all.
'Honey, I'm sorry to say this, but your mood doesn't seem to be improving' he shook his head, great sorrow and pity in his eyes. Tonks felt her heart twist so she looked away. She always hated when someone pitied her, this time she couldn't care. But the pain in her father's eyes made her want to cry. Something she was keeping back for almost a week now.
'I'm sorry, dad. Tomorrow I'll play chess with you or something, okay? I promise' she said with a pang of conscience. She had never behaved like this before. Not that she had ever been left behind pregnant before.
'Just come and eat some cheese or cornflakes with me' her dad offered, and she couldn't say no.
'You shouldn't be eating this late' she said though when they sat down at the kitchen table and looking at the clock she realised it was already past eleven.
'Your mother's having a long bath, she'll never know' he shrugged but looked cautiously into the direction of the stairs leading upstairs as if a kid doing some mischief. Tonks smiled weakly.
'How was your day?' she asked just to try and keep up a more or less comfortable conversation.
'Just fine...watching my daughter staring out of the window painfully, feeling helpless' he murmured, then sighed with guilt. 'Sorry, baby. It just feels so awful that I can't think of anything to help you. We'll always be here for you, you know' he said, and took her hands gently.
'I know, dad. Thanks' she said, trying to smile. She loved her parents so much. A pity she needed someone else right now, someone who just felt the urge to stay away foolishly.
'Ted, tell me you are not in the kitchen eating again' came her mother's voice down the stairs.
'Give me your bowl' whispered Tonks and grabbed it fast, already scooping cornflakes into her mouth when Andromeda entered the kitchen. 'Hey, mom' she greeted her with fake cheeriness.
'Oh, you're eating at last!' said the middle-aged witch with a warm smile and stood behind her husband. 'Wanna join me in bed? I'm already half asleep' she said and offered a hand for Ted.
He took it and they both wished good night to their daughter, then left the kitchen.
'If you were wondering, I am fully aware of what you just did here' heard Tonks her mom murmuring to her dad on their way to their bedroom. 'Nice one, sweetheart.'
Tonks looked at her almost fully finished bowl of cornflakes and felt the urge to cry stronger than any time that day. Her dad was her hero. She smiled bitterly and ate the remaining cornflakes.
Not wanting to trip over something and brake the bowl she just left it at the table and dragged herself into her bedroom.
The rain was still pouring outside and she laid on her bed. She looked up at the ceiling, placing a hand on her flat belly.
'I'm sorry, little one. I know I shouldn't be like this, for your own good. I'll eat regularly and do stuff and live just like before, I promise. You deserve better' she whispered into the darkness.
It was true, her baby deserved better. But she also deserved better, she deserved to be with Remus, she was almost positive. And Remus deserved a family, damn sure. They all deserved each other but that stupid werewolf.... No, she couldn't blame him. Not honestly. It was a thing of two - both of them screwed up. Both of them will be needed to mend it.
The only problem was that Remus was not there to help with it. That selfless bastard. How she missed him! How much their baby will miss him if he stays away for real. Or if something happens to him while out on some mission.
The tears held back for long days now started rolling down her cheeks and not much later she was weeping quietly into her pillow. She felt miserable.
She was worried about Remus and missed him too badly. She was unsure of how she could manage to raise a kid while she was still too young to behave properly sometimes. And what if she'll trip over and fall while their baby is in her vulnerable belly or just out of it, in her arms. She couldn't even protect their little one properly. She felt anything but ready for having a kid.
She had thought she was ready before, and with Remus at her side she truly would have been. But now...everything seemed to have changed.
Everything seemed miserable, lonely, grey and cold. Hopeless.
Her whole life seemed to have been inhabited by dozens of dementors. Remus could have chased them away, his Patronus charm was exceedingly strong considering his anything but happy life. Tonks drew her wand out of her jeans and tried to concentrate on her wedding ceremony. She could almost feel Remus touching her face gently before kissing her at the altar. She whispered 'Expecto patronum', half expecting the cold to vanish.
The oh-so-familiar wolf burst out of her wand and looked around. When it found no threat, it crouched at Tonks' side, giving its warmth to her. A sob escaped her lips and she broke the charm a few long moments later.
She was a young woman left behind by her husband, pregnant, at the verge of a war, being unable to work as an Auror since the Ministry was under Voldemort's control, worrying about the future of her potentially werewolf baby. It felt bad enough but she also knew she would never change a thing about it, she regretted nothing about her relationship with Remus. She would never push him away to protect him or herself. She would never say no to him. She would fight for him and fight him, date him, marry him and make him happy again. She would do it all again.