Guilt

Remadora again... this time a bit closer to the original idea.
Hope you enjoy! :)



The cold air hit his sweaty face as Remus appeared right in front of the Burrow and tried to support Geroge into the house before the pair of them would have collapsed. Luckily, Harry was there in an instant to help him and they laid the injured boy onto the couch. Remus felt the guilt boil in his chest as he watched Molly running to his son, worried but brave. He knew he screwed it up, he couldn't defend George properly. It was his task and he failed, but he had other tasks to do so he could sweep his emotions aside and just act, even if only momentarily.
He ran and checked if Harry was really Harry and if Kingsley was really Kingsley. He busied himself acting according to the safety protocol while his mind was barely aware of what was happening. He was just too worried, because they had been betrayed, because half of them were still out there, somewhere, unsafe, possibly dead. And his other half was among them.
He was fighting down the urge to shout or Apparate but he knew too well that it would make no difference since he had no idea where to Apparate or what to shout. He guarded his feelings best he could and was making sure those who had already made it to the Burrow were not impostors.
Bill and Fleur arrived on their thestral and they both looked pale but otherwise unharmed. Remus felt his heart twist in his chest. Where was Dora? Nothing happened to her, surely, she was a trained auror. She was a badass. She was full of life and fun and joy, she couldn't just be killed. Not yet. And she bore their child - a secret nobody yet knew, not even Nymphadora's parents.
They were preparing for the announcement, Dora because she was so happy about it and wanted all the Order members to share in their joy, he because he hoped there would be less work left to Dora after they all knew about her pregnancy. He was worried about her working too much.
A pop sounded close to them, barely audible but all of them were listening eagerly so they caught it and stared keenly into the darkness. Nymphadora appeared and she had Ron with him, both of them dirty and weary, but seemingly without serious injuries. Remus could see Hermione running towards Ron, but all he himself cared about at the moment was the woman arriving with him.
Nymohadora was telling them how greatly Ronald fought but was not taking her eyes off him, not even for a second, while she was striding into his arms. Remus caught her and they hugged each other so tight he could feel the air leaving his lungs at top speed, but he still felt it was not close enough. He buried his face into Dora's neck and smelled her scent, rather sweaty, but hers. He felt he was shaking and knew he would not sleep at night after such tension. He checked if Dora was all right but she seemed fine altogether, if only a bit worried and confused.
He didn't have much time to comfort her - or himself. Arthur and Fred arrived, exhausted but smiling, and Remus just rememberd what had happened to George. He felt horrible and knew he must have gone white. Dora's arms tightened around him as if she was feeling that something was troubling him.
They all went into the Burrow and Remus could hardly keep himself from crying while Fred and George talked. The boy on the couch was all bloody and pale, though at least his life was not in danger. Remus was trying to catch the eye of Molly or Arthur to show them how terribly sorry he was, to tell them something encouraging, even if it weren't to grow George's ear back.
Bill stepped forward and told something. Remus was not paying attention at first, too busy to feel guilty, but then he comprehended the words. Mad-Eye was dead. The news reached his mind and he had to sit down. His already crappy world was shaking violently.
No, not a death. Not again. He felt he couldn't bear just one more friend being dead. It was the end of his limit.
Moody being dead meant there was nobody wise enough left to lead the Order. All were dead. Dumbledore and now Moody. Kingsley could not take their place, he had loads of other stuff to do. They stood no chance against the Death Eaters.
Then he looked up and saw Nymphadora shaking, tears rolling down her cheeks. He knew just what he had to do. He stood up and said some words to the people standing around them, meant to be encouraging but probably rather depressive. He acted without much thinking, doing his best to help his friends.

Not much later he took Nymphadora home. She looked as if she was not even aware of where she was. Remus sat her onto their bed and kneeled before her.
'Hey, Dora!' he said, voice gone harsh from emotions. Her shocked eyes were searching his but couldn't focus on them. 'Honey, we're home' he muttered, taking her hands.
She didn't answer but tears started to fall from her eyes again. Remus sat next to her on the bed and hugged her as close as possible.
'It's alright, come here, it's okay' he whispered into her ear and knew he was crying too.
'Remus...' she choked up and hugged him back, letting her grief come and take over her. Remus was stroking her back and her hair while she was weeping into his robes. 'Can we go get a shower?' she asked some time later, sniffing.
'Sure' stood up Remus and he tried to smile but failed. They went into the little bathroom and took off their dirty clothes, feeling unreasonably exhausted. When they stood under the warm water, hugging each other again, Remus knew he was home. He felt safe again, something he had thought was impossible.
'Thank you' smiled Dora up at him.
'For what?' he asked confounded. He did nothing good that day. Or that week. Nothing to be thankful for. He should have thanked her to be standing there with him, making him feel like home.
'For being here for me' she answered softly and kissed him and Remus felt his chest aching. This woman was too good to be true. Their love was too amazing to be true, even in the middle of a war.
He kissed the top of Nymphadora's head and they stood there for a long while, just letting the warm water wash off the dirt of the fight from their body, and wash away part of the pain from their hearts.
'I'm sorry for your loss' muttered Remus after turning off the water and handing his wife a towel.
'I can handle his death. He died fighting, as a true auror. I am proud of him, you know. Now I have an example to live up to' she said with a sad smile. Remus looked at her in horror. 'Easy, I am not planning on dying any time soon. But it's a nice way to finish a career, just saying' she tried to soothe him.
'Please don't die' whispered Remus miserably as he took her slim body into his arms.
'Gosh, Remus, you're trembling' gasped Nymphadora in wonder. 'I'm not leaving you, either way' she prommised and planted kisses onto his chest and neck.
'You are incredible' said Remus, looking down at her with awe. 'You are brave and tough and so strong. I don't deserve you. This world does not deserve you.' he added with a small smile.
'Idiot' moaned Nymphadora, punching his arm. ' You do deserve me. I am not going to argue about it again. Just believe me. And you deserve our son. You deserve everything good in life' she said very seriously.
'We don't even know if it's a boy' shook Remus his head, and put one of his hands on Dora's faint baby bump.
'I can feel it' answered Nymphadora laughing and put her own hand on his.
Remus looked at their hands and felt that uneasy feeling rising in his chest. This was too good for him. It was almost idillic. Beautiful strong wife, home, a baby. None of these were meant for him. He was still waiting for a real man to come and claim them his own, taking them from him.
'Please, don't!' asked Dora with pleading eyes. 'Stop hating yourself.' She was almost begging. 'I love you and your friends love you and you are so precious and .... why can't you believe me?'
'I just can't' sighed Remus, not daring to look into her questioning eyes full of love. 'You are not seeing me the way I really am.'
'I don't care. I love what I am seeing, Remus!' she said and when he didn't answer just stared at the wall she cried 'What am I doing so wrong?!'
And she started actually crying again. Remus looked at her baffled.
'Dora...I...You....' he had no idea what to say but it was hurting to see her crying.
'What should I do to make you believe you are a worthy man?' she wept. 'It hurts me so much to see how much you hate yourself' she said, sobbing.
'I'm sorry' muttered Remus and he had no idea what to do but felt himself worse than any time that day which was telling something. 'I... I don't want to hate myself. I am trying... Can you help me? Please?' he asked, uncertainly.
Nymphadora looked at him quite shocked.
'I will help you' she said at last. 'Just let me' she asked and hugged him again.
'Thank you' whispered Remus, deeply touched by her overwhelming kindness, as always.
'Wanna eat some junk food in bed?' asked Nymphadora suddenly and Remus couldn't help but laugh.

They ordered pizza and Remus poured some firewhiskey for both of them. They sat on the bed and ate as if they hadn't eaten anything that week. Dora got ketchup all over her cheek and nose and Remus was smiling at her faintly but happily. She was the best thing he could ask for.
After eating off the whole pizza, they downed the remaining of their whiskeys and cuddled close to each other in bed. Remus was stroking Dora's hair, slightly longer than usual, while she was tracing her fingers across his skinny chest.
'Tell me you are not going to work tomorrow' broke Remus the silence.
'I need to, Remus' sighed Nymphadora. 'At least in the afternoon' she added when she turned her head and saw his pleading eyes.
'In this case, you should sleep now' suggested Remus and kissed her hair.
He didn't need to say twice, Nymphadora was limp in his arms withing minutes, sleeping soundly. But he just couldn't fall asleep himself. The comforting weight of his wife on his chest helped a lot but it was not enough. Every time he closed his eyes he saw George, half fallen from his broomstick, bleeding. Or Molly running towards them, tense with worry. Or Arthur's smile when he got paired up with Geroge, trusting he would take care of his son. And finally, the last time he saw Mad-Eye, interrupting Dora harshly as she was trying to tell their friends she was pregnant. She wanted Mad-Eye to be the godfather, Remus was almost sure. He knew Moody would have grimaced but felt honored.
He was dozing off with these pictures in his mind and Dora in his arms.

There was a miserable cry braking the peace of the night, which woke Remus. He was panting heavily and it took him several moments to comprehend where he was. He sat up on the bed, sweating, staring into the darkness of the room.
'Remus?' asked a muffled voice from behind him and Dora's hand clutched his. 'You okay?'
'Yes' he answered immediately, though it was obvious he wasn't. 'Actually, I'm not' he corrected himself after a moment.
Nymphadora sat up and took his face into her palm to guide his eyes to her face.
'What happened? Nightmare?' she asked softly, rubbing his cheek. Remus closed his eyes, enjoying her touch, his heartbeat slowing back to normal.
'I was back in the air, fighting Death Eaters' ha said, reliving the images of his nightmare. ' I had you with me, instead of George. You looked like Harry but I know it was you. We were battling at least five Death Eaters and you were amazing but I was slow and I couldn't protect you from a curse aimed at us. It hit you and you fell from your broomstick and I was trying to catch you but they held me up and I was so desperate to reach you but I couldn't and...' he broke off, unable to finish the sentence. It was too horrible even in his mind. Too realistic.
'Remus, I promised you I won't leave you so I cannot die. It's not that easy to get rid of me once you got me' she smiled warmly, but her trembling hand betrayed her.
'If only you were right!' sighed Remus, and took Dora into his lap, cuddling her close.
'I am always right' muttered the woman and rested her head on Remus' shoulder. 'Do you want to talk about the battle? About anything? I am here for you, anything you want, you know' she said and squeezed his hand.
'Thank you, Nymphadora' he said, calling her that on purpose. He just had to use it, because he had the right to call her wife on her name and because he knew she secretly loved it when he called it that and because he still found it beautiful.
'Remus...' started Dora warningly, without edge in her voice.
'We'll talk in the morning, okay? Not now... I just want to feel you now' decided Remus, and they laid back, arms and legs interlaced, sharing one breath. Remus thought about kissing her belly before falling asleep but he dozed off before he could have done so. It was warm and soft and home.