I didn't mean to

Remadora onsehot, again :)
Do you know Molotov Jukebox? Well, you should! This fanfic was inspired by their song I cry.
Listen to it while reading, if you can. :)


'Remus, I am not doing this again. I am just not!' shouted Tonks and opened the door with a bit too much force. It hit the wall with a loud crack and flung back, hitting the woman hard in the head. Gosh, that hurt. But not as much as Remus' words. She turned towards the man who stormed into the room just after her.
'But Dora you need to.... hey, are you okay?' he got distracted by the small stream of blood on Tonks' forehead, oozing from her new wound.
'No, I am not, and why are you staring at me like this?' she snapped, confused.
'Because you are bleeding' he answered and stepped closer, reaching for her in concern.
'You are not getting away with it so easy this time' protested Tonks and stepped back. She touched her forehead just in case and realised she was actually bleeding. Fucking door. She wiped some of the blood away then used a simple curing charm to mend the wound. 'Now, can we just get back to discussing the reason of you being a prat?'
Remus looked insecure for a moment but the word 'prat' had its effect on him. He looked Dora stern in the eyes.
' I was born to be a prat, I think' he said quietly. 'And I am about to ruin your life, I already started. And I am not willing to continue doing so' he added vehemently.
'What do you think you could possibly do to make me even more miserable than how I would feel if you left me? Again.' asked Tonks desperately.
For Merlin's sake, she was pregnant. She was an independent, strong witch, of course. But she fucking needed Remus in her life, pathetic or not.
'I could hurt you. Or our baby. I could kill you both!' he exclaimed and got pale in an instant as if the thought only occured to him that moment. 'Oh my god, I could kill you both.' he repeated, stunned. He started to back away from Tonks in horror.
'No, Remus, you couldn't!' said the witch and reached a hand to touch his arm but he jerked it away. Tonks felt her heart twist. 'Remus, please, listen to me. You would never hurt me or the baby. I know this for sure. I believe in you.'
'Well, you shouldn't' murmured Remus bitterly then looked away. He couldn't look at her. He knew that only one look at her tearful eyes would make him take everything back and hug her and cause their doom. No, he was strong, he would NOT do it again.
'But I do. I think I know you more than you do' she said with a sad smile. 'And I truly believe you couldn't hurt me. Well, except for leaving me. Cause that would hurt. A lot' she added, still kind of dumbfounded over the fact that Remus was about to leave her again. But this time not as a boyfriend or a partner. No, this time as a husband.
'You don't really know me' said Remus with a cruel edge in his voice which made Tonks shudder. 'You think you do but you haven't seen me in my worst. You think you know what the wolf....what I am when I turn? You've never seen that without the Wolfsbane' he spat. 'And it's not just that. I am a monster on all other days as well. I bring doom to everybody.'
'No, Remus, you don't, please' started Tonks but Remus was yet not finished.
'Dora, do you know how many friends I had in my life? Altogether? Four. And do you know how many of them are dead? Four. All of them died; instead of me! And now you want to take the risk and get yourself killed because of me? No way! I am not letting you!' he shouted. He shouted really rarely and it made him look a bit frightening. Yet Tonks was not a witch to be frightened easily.
'Why on Earth would I get myself killed? Are there assassins hunting you down or what? For Merlin's sake, I am an Auror, I am in constant danger anyway!' she shouted back. She was not willing to give this fight up. Not when she was right and he was obviously wrong.
'Even worse! I am just adding all the odds to you being dead sooner than later. And now you are carrying a child! Our child. You just can't die, Dora! You can't' he rasped and tears started to fall from his eyes.
'I won't, Remus. I promise. Just stay with us' she asked, pleading.
'I....no. I will hurt you. I know. Sorry' he said finally but seemed to need all the strength he had left to utter these words.
'You are hurting me right now' she cried, getting angry again.
'Yes, I do! Get used to it, if you hadn't already! I. am. just. like. this! I am hurting you because I am a monster and a horrible man and now you'll maybe see why' he yelled. 'I am leaving you. And you know why? Not just because I don't deserve you. But also because if you truly want to live with me, our child doesn't deserve you! You would bring inevitable doom to its head! I value my own offspring more than that, even if you don't' he said in a deadly voice and turned away to leave the room.
Tonks stood there as if stunned with a spell. She couldn't believe her ears. Did Remus just accuse her of being a bad mother for real? Only because she was in love and wanted her kid to have a father? Only because she was fighting for him? Did that really make her a horrible mother? She backed to the wall and dropped down, nursing her slightly visible baby bump.
Remus said she didn't care enough for their baby to make the right decisions. Funny, she was thinking the same thing about Remus. Except for that she actually thought he did care for them, only he couldn't see it was for their sake as well as for his own to stay together. She would have never accused Remus of being a bad father. She knew he was trying to do what he thought was best. Even is he was wrong.
But what if Remus was right? What if she actualy was a bad mother? She was fighting with Death Eaters each day, risking her health. Their health, their lives. She wasn't eating regularly and had serious sleep deprivation when Remus was not around. She was careless and truly horrible. For Merlin's beard, she was acting like a kid, crying all the time.
Even now, she felt tears sliding down her cheeks, leaving salty, red tracks.
'Sorry, little one' she whispered to her belly and felt regret wash over her. She decided to change her lifestyle. Starting tomorrow. For now, she only needed to cry. So she did, crouching, resting her back at the wall.
That's how Remus found her half an hour later.
'Dora...?' he asked softly, carefully walking into the room. Then he saw her and he felt as if stabbed in the chest. What the hell had he done again to this precious witch? And why was he coming back again?
'Don't' she sobbed. 'G-go away!'
'Dora, I...' he started and fell to his knees beside her.
'I said...go!' she cried and looked at him with so much pain Remus felt he could never make it up in a thousand years.
'I...can I stay? Please?' he asked uncertainly. He had no idea if he asked for that moment or for the rest of their lives but he had to ask. He wanted to stay. For real.
Tonks looked as if she would turn him down but then she couldn't. She shrugged. Remus took that as a yes, and placed his palm gently on Tonks' shoulder.
This only made her cry harder.
'Dora, don't cry...' murmured Remus. 'I am sorry. I shouldn't....please'
'No, y-you were r-right' sobbed Tonks.
'Was I?' asked Remus dumbfounded.
'You were. I am a h-horrible m-mother' said Tonks, weeping. 'I... I am n-not worthy...of this kid.'
'What? No, Dora, no, listen, please!' said Remus, looking more frightened and distressed than ever. 'You are wonderful. You are a fighter, an amazing wife and will be just the perfect mother. I am sure' he added reassuringly, stroking her back.
'No-nope, Remus, I... I do everything wrong. I don't live healthy and can't sleep enough and I am risking my life at job. I am truly destroying this kid's life even before it gets born' she muttered and looked at Remus with wide eyes. 'I already did.'
'Oh, Merlin, no, Dora! I am sorry, I didn't mean any of it! It was all nonsense!' he said and reached for her desperately. He hugged her close and placed kisses on her hair and tried to sooth her by stroking her arms and back.
'I am sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to. Forgive me, pease!' he whispered into her hair and felt how his tears fell on top of her head.
Why did they have to be so miserable together? And why were they even more miserable without each other?
'I'm sorry' he repeated. 'I love you.'
'Me to' mumbled Tonks and cuddled closer.
Maybe they would really have been better without each other. But it was not an option. No longer. Maybe it wasn't ever an option. They were meant to be, with all their miseries and fights. With all their unconditional love. With all their 'I am sorry's and 'I didn't mean to's.