Cosy in the library

Wow, I seem to write a lot nowadays. But I have like a hundred ideas and I keep getting new ones and when should I write them, if not now, after the exams but before I start working?

So here is my new Remadora story! (Set during OTP)

The night was foggy and cold when Remus arrived to Grimmauld Place. He was shivering as the icy wind bit through the hundred tiny holes in his traveling cloak. He was tired and yet restless as the full moon approached. The only reason he came here was that he craved company.

Unfortunately, Sirius had gone to bed already, he realised as he stepped into the empty kitchen. He climbed the stairs, originally heading for the spare bedroom assigned to him but changing his mind midway and choosing the library instead. Books always kept him a good company – they were usually quiet and rarely judged him.

What he didn’t expect at all was that he would find the armchair by the fireplace already occupied by someone else. Under a seemingly fluffy and thick blanket lay the only person Remus intended not to meet these days.

Nymphadora Tonks. With her delicate frame and brightly coloured hair – now light green. She seemed to be fast asleep, a sock-clad foot dangling out from under the blanket, her face relaxed, her mouth slightly open.

Remus wanted to turn back and leave the room before he woke her up but he found himself slowly stepping closer. He missed her so much. It took a lot of self-control and pain to keep away from her, and since she stayed here a lot, from this place and his best friend as well. He tried to come here only when he knew she was on duty or when an obligatory Order meeting took place. He avoided her for almost a full month now. And her she was again – here he was again.

Looking down at her young and innocent face, Remus was again reminded why he forced himself to step back in the first place. But now she was asleep and they hadn’t seen each other for two weeks. They hadn’t talked at all for twenty-seven excruciating days. He just missed being near her. If he could stay quiet and just stand there for a little longer. No interaction. He felt his insides warm up just from looking at her.

Then he realised it was entirely wretched and creepy. He was staring at someone sleeping. And it filled him with happiness. He was disgusted by himself and turned to leave. But then Tonks moaned.

He spun around and saw that she was still sleeping. But she started panting, her eyes darting behind her eyelids. So she was dreaming. If he touched her now, she would wake. Would she look at him sleepy and happy? Or angry and stressed, like the last time their eyes met? Would she curse him on first instinct? She was Mad-Eye’s protégée, after all.

Another low moan distracted him from his thoughts. Nymphadora was obviously having some intense dream. He had to leave. He couldn’t just watch her, he needed to stroke the long strands of hair out of her face. He noticed the small beads of sweat appearing on her forehead and he wanted to wipe them off. Oh Merlin, he really needed to leave. Right now.

He took a deep breath and hurried out of the library, almost running by the time he reached his room. It was dusty and cold and he sighed as he undressed and climbed into bed. He charmed a small blue flame to his nightstand but it only made the shadows look even creepier. His feet were ice cold and he shivered under his blanket. If only he could go back and join Nymphadora in the warm and welcoming library.

As this thought passed his mind, he heard a scream echoing through the old house. He grabbed his wand and ran. At the door of the library he met Sirius.

‘What on Earth are you doing here, Moony?’ asked his friend, wearing only boxers, stifling a yawn.

‘Staying for the night. I hope you don’t mind’ shrugged Remus and raised his wand. ‘On the count of three’ he murmured, as his friend placed one hand on the doorknob.

‘Three’ grunted Sirius and stormed into the room, wand at the ready, Remus close behind him.

They found no threat, of course. It was the headquarters of the Order, after all. Nymphadora was sitting in the armchair, staring into the flames. As they burst into the room, she looked up at them, alarmed. Her face was tear-stained and tired.

‘You okay, cousin?’ asked Sirius concerned as he walked to stand beside her.

‘I guess. Just a nightmare’ she murmured. Then her eyes found Remus who was still standing in the middle of the room. ‘Wotcher, Remus’ she said, her voice merely a whisper.

‘Hello, Tonks’ he nodded in answer, not really knowing whether he should leave or step closer.

‘Do you need me to … stay here?’ offered Sirius, though yawning mid-sentence. Nymphadora shook her head, her eyes still on Remus. ‘Then see you in the morning’ he shrugged, then left, shooting a strange look at his friend as he walked past him.

‘I… I will go as well’ stammered Remus and Nymphadora’s eyes went wide. They were so deep and beautiful. None of them moved. When Remus finally broke his gaze away from her, prepared to walk away, she murmured:

‘Stay with me. Please.’ It sounded almost as if she was begging.

Remus stepped to the free armchair next to hers and sat down, his knees cracking. He didn’t dare looking at her so he chose to stare at the bright orange flames in the fireplace instead.

‘How are you, Remus?’ asked Nymphadora softly.

Fine, he wanted to answer. But he couldn’t say that, not to her, not even now. ‘Been better’ he chose to say instead. It was no lie.

They sat there in silence for some time. Remus felt his muscles relaxing in the warm of the library. He knew that Nymphadora was looking at him but he was a coward and didn’t turn his head to meet her gaze, even though he longed to take in her face just one more time.

‘You have been avoiding me’ muttered Nymphadora and it was no question. She was right and they both knew that.

‘Yes’ admitted Remus, just to say something. ‘And how are you doing?’ he asked to change the topic, genuinely interested in the answer but also fearing it.

‘Honestly? Not well. But I doubt you want to hear about that’ she shrugged, her voice colder than usual.

‘What? No, I truly do’ protested Remus and he finally turned to look at her. ‘Please tell me.’

Nymphadora stayed silent for a moment, clearly torn between whether she should tell him or not. But then she gave in and nodded.

‘The Ministry is a grim place nowadays for all who believe Harry and support Dumbledore. Scrimgeour is asking funny questions every time we meet and since he is my boss, he can simply give me the most shitty nonsense jobs. And I can’t protest too much because I need that job, now not just because I want it but also because of the Order. And when I finally get away from work and feel like shit I do work for the Order and I love it, I really do, but it is hard. I know Arthur and Kingsley and Mad-Eye and all the others are doing the same, working at two places but I can’t see how they cope with it because sometimes I feel like I just can’t do it anymore’ she explained, her voice getting stronger by every sentence.

‘Nym… Tonks’ started Remus, but she held up a hand. She was not yet finished.

‘And then there is this threat of You-Know-Who and this war and I still want to fight as a I promised but sometimes I just get scared and think of all the possible dangers and I want to cover my ears and close my eyes and forget about all that’s going on. This makes me feel like I am a kid who wanted to play the adults’ game and can’t go back. I don’t want to go back but sometimes I think I might not be strong enough for this. I have never seen Molly look frightened at some horrible news or Bill saying he is not going on duty alone. They are all so brave and what if I am not brave enough?’ she asked, new tears sliding down her face, her eyes full of doubt.

‘Have you ever turned down a task by the Order?’ asked Remus softly. Nymphadora shook her head. ‘See, you are no less than Bill. I am sure he does not feel happy about them either but in the end, just like you, he accepts them. And we all get frightened sometimes. It would be foolish to think otherwise.’

‘You sound a bit like Dumbledore’ murmured Nymphadora with a weak smile.

‘And doing two jobs must be really demanding. You are wonderfully strong for doing it’ he assured her. As her eyes softened at the compliment, his chest felt tight. ‘Is there anything else bothering you?’

‘Of course there is. I am not just afraid for myself. In fact, I am mostly concerned about others. My parents, for example. Now that my aunt Bellatrix is out of Azkaban, she could go after mom anytime. And then there is Harry and Hermione and all the Weasley kids who are at Hogwarts which is really turning into a nasty place to be at as I hear it. And I worry about everyone on duty because You-Know-Who knows about us and he can hurt us and could easily kill us. I can’t stop thinking about what happened to Arthur. It is just so horrible’ she said and Remus totally understood.

‘And I guess you worry about Sirius too?’ he asked her, an expectant look on his face.

‘Yes, that too. He is so stubborn and careless and he is going insane being imprisoned here’ she nodded. ‘But I take it I don’t have to tell you about that, right, Moony?’ she said, a little teasing in her voice.

‘We can handle Sirius. He’ll be okay’ answered Remus, though he didn’t really believe it. He hoped, yes, but didn’t actually believe it. He knew Sirius all too well.

‘And I keep having these nightmares’ admitted Nymphadora quietly. ‘I can’t stop thinking about that snake and what could have happened to Arthur, or anyone else. What could have happened to you, Remus’ she whispered, her lips quivering as she looked into his eyes.

‘I know’ muttered Remus, his voice breaking. He knew this feeling too. He couldn’t stop thinking about what would have happened if it was her. The picture of her lying unconscious, frozen in her own blood kept him awake every night.

‘I am afraid of losing you, Remus. And I miss you’ she told him with her eyes round and honest and her voice warm and full of suppressed emotions. ‘I really miss you.’

And suddenly she started crying. Remus took her hands in his without hesitation, his thumbs drawing soothing patterns on her soft skin.

‘Why do you keep avoiding me, Remus? Was I too much?’ she sobbed, tears falling from her eyes. ‘I tend to be too much for people, but you can just tell me, you know. I swear I won’t suffocate you with my presence anymore, just please be around more. I can promise you not even to talk to you if you want me to. Or you can simply stand up and go talk to someone else anytime you want to, really’ she told him. ‘I can be less. I practiced that a lot in my life. You just always seemed to be okay with it and I was too happy about it I guess but I can stop. You don’t need to put up with me, Remus, you need to know that. Just… be like you were, staying here, chatting and smiling quietly. I don’t want to chase you away from your friends.’

Remus stared at her dumbfounded. He would never have suspected she had such thoughts. Such silly thoughts.

‘For Merlin’s sake, I don’t want you to be less. I don’t want you to stop talking to me!’ he exclaimed, something like fear appearing in his eyes. It would be hell being ignored by her. ‘You have no idea how much I miss simply sitting next to you and letting you talk about anything, telling me about your day and your colleagues and about your parents’ cat and about the owl who ate half of your breakfast after delivering the Daily Prophet’ he listed. Those hours were his favourite, sitting in the kitchen with her and Sirius. And sometimes without Sirius.

‘Then I don’t understand’ muttered Nymphadora finally.

‘I keep away because I enjoy these conversations too much. It feels too good and now you grew to care about me and I can’t let that happen’ admitted Remus. ‘I had to distance myself from you before it was too late. We haven’t talked for a month now, I am sure you don’t think about me as much anymore.’

‘You are so stupid’ was all Nymphadora could say through the lump in her throat and then she cast herself into his arms. She hugged him, ignoring the awkward position; she hugged him as if she believed this hug would solve all their problems.

It felt comforting and warm and Remus let himself just enjoy the sensations for one moment. Then he tried to pull away from the hug but Nymphadora didn’t let go. She knelt above him on the armchair and sat on his lap as she hugged him still. And it felt wonderful.

‘It has been twenty-seven days, Remus’ she muttered into his neck. His heart skipped a beat. She counted the days just like he did. Why would she? Why didn’t she stop caring about him as she was supposed to? Could it be…?

‘I missed you too’ murmured Remus into her hair. He knew it was a bad idea but he couldn’t exactly recall why. Her body was warm and she smelled like old books and wildflowers and home. Her arms around his neck were the most amazing thing he felt in weeks, if not months. Surely this couldn’t be bad? It was pure and honest, it had to be good.

They stayed there for a long time, not talking at all. Nymphadora had already talked about her most burning issues and Remus was just happy not having to talk or think about his own ones yet. There was only their hug, their warmth, their silent happiness.

‘We should go to bed’ broke Remus the silence when he noticed Nymphadora was slowly dozing off on his chest. He would have loved to let her sleep on top of him but he knew from experience that sitting in that armchair all night long was a pretty bad idea.

‘Noo’ she grunted half-asleep and cuddled closer to him.

‘Nymphadora, we can’t stay here’ he told her, using her first name on purpose to get her attention.

‘We can’ she muttered, not commenting on her name. She must have been really exhausted. ‘This is so cosy. I won’t move.’

‘But this armchair is not big enough for us both’ protested Remus, trying to convince her. At that, Nymphadora reached into her pocket, took out her wand and impatiently waved it a few times. Taken aback, Remus watched as the piece of furniture grew longer and wider and a few pillows appeared on it.

‘Good enough now?’ she asked gruffly.

‘Perfect’ admitted Remus, smiling, and lay back, pulling her with him. Planting a soft kiss on top of her head he whispered ‘Good night.’

‘Good night’ came her answer muffled from under his chin. ‘And Remus? Don’t call me Nymphadora.’