Då är det jag

 I seem to be unable to stop writing Remadora fanfics in the exam period. I am not sorry though. Fuck university.


The winter wind bit into his frozen skin with its iron teeth as if no clothes covered his body. He felt such an awful pain he was sure he was incapable of taking another step. His limbs would not move and when he gathered all his strength and still tried, he fell. His freezing arms rose too late and he felt his face hit the ground.
Something steaming hot appeared on his forehead and ran down his nose and to his cheek. He wiped it off and tried to figure out what it was but could not see the colour in the black of the night, only that it was dark. Maybe mud. Though that should have been cold. Anyway, he had to get up if he wanted to stay alive.
He started crawling an all fours as a start. Standing up seemed impossible. After a few movements his body gave up and he fell back to the ground. He curled up and shivered. His teeth clattered and his muscles burned in pain. He looked up at the sky, hopeless.
It was bright, full of stars. The moon was close to being full but still had three days until it would turn his body into the monster he really was. At least if he stayed alive until that.
He didn't want to die, not necessarily, but lying on the frozen ground at a mountainside, being unable to move, it seemed a pretty good idea. Effortless. He was only sorry for not being able to say goodbye to Nymphadora.
Nymphadora. They had been arguing before he left. Of course they were, they did that all the time. He told her they were not going to be together and she protested. But now, slowly freezing to death, he wished he had admitted he loved her. He was sure she knew anyway, but it would have been nice telling her, just once.
As he gazed up at the sky, his body growing pleasantly numb, he was thinking of her face and hoped she was okay. He started thinking of hugging her. He imagined being in her tight, warm hug, maybe under a thick blanket, before a fireplace. He wasn't even cold anymore. It felt peaceful. He closed his eyes.
Only to crack them open the next moment. He could have sworn he had heard Dora's voice. She was screaming, a miserable scream that teared his heart apart. He knew she was in danger. He had to get up, get help.
He did the impossible, rising to his feet. He took a step, the pain returning instantly. His body was stiff but he moved it with all his will. Another step. He had to get to Nymphadora. He couldn't move his feet. He Apparated and lost consciousness.

The winter wind bit into her frozen skin with its iron teeth as if no clothes covered her body. She shivered and cast a silent warming charm on herself, careful not to be seen. She was hiding behind a phone box, from time to time peeking out to check the back door of a night club she was supposed to guard.
She was sure it was just some stupid assignment the Ministry dumped on them so that they couldn't do their proper job, fighting dark witches and wizards. And, of course, it had to be her who was standing outside in the wind on a cold street. London was supposed to be relatively warm even at winter but not when you were out all night, unmoving. She gritted her teeth. Fuck the Ministry and its useless tasks.
A door swung open. She gasped and took a look at the other side of the street. It was the door to the club she was watching. Two dark figures appeared on the pavement and the door shut behind them.
'It's your turn, Nott' said one of them and the other halted.
'It can't be again' he stammered.
'It is and I will take no objections' said the taller one in an assertive voice. The one called Nott bowed his head and fumbled around the pocket of his robes.
This was the moment Tonks had to intervene. She was surprised it was not a false alarm after all. She stepped onto the street and approached the two figures without a sound, readying to cast a charm.
'Expelliarmus' shouted someone from behind her and her wand flew to the air, landing several feet away on the cold dark pavement. The two figures turned to her and drew their wands immediately. She ducked, not waiting for the enemy to hit her with a curse and hid behind a parking car. At least four people were on the other side, all armed. She had to figure out something quick.
She took a deep breath and plunged. She ran, ducking and jumping, evading curses and reached for her wand. She almost succeeded, was only an inch away from it when a man shouted what she feared he would.
'Accio wand!'
And that was it, her wand escaped her fingers and flew to the enemy. She jumped into the cover of another phone box but a purple trail of light hit her elbow and she felt her arm exploding in pain. She screamed. She looked down and saw it had no visual evidence but she was unable to move her left arm. Bloody amazing.
The men were approaching her hiding place. She had to act quickly.
She grabbed a newspaper lying on the ground just at her feet and threw it away to one side then flung to the other, knowing the enemy probably looked at the unexpected object. The paper burst into flames as a curse hit it but Tonks already threw herself at one of the figures and they landed hard on the ground.
Before the others could have aimed at her she took hold of the man's wand and disarmed one of the others. She jumped to her feet and fought with all her strength. One of the curses missed her only by half an inch.
Eventually, she succeeded in tying two men with a swing of the foreign wand and getting her own one back. But she also got a burning wound on her cheek and her bad sense of balance. She stumbled and fell, fortunately behind a bin.
She crouched and hissed as her ankle throbbed with pain. She knew she had no chance of healing it so she cast a quick bandaging charm and she was sure it was crappy but better than nothing. Just then, the bin exploded and it looked as if the sky was snowing garbage.
She stood and disarmed another of her enemies, sending him flying across the street, unconscious. But the last one still stood his ground and the new curse sent at her was inevitable. She fell to the ground, pain shooting through her veins. Crucio. Of course.
She gritted her teeth and cast a hasty shielding charm.
The next curse bounced back, hit the attacker, and Lucius Malfoy was lying on the ground. Tonks sat up and summoned his wand before he could have done anything. She stood, her right ankle throbbing and screaming against her weight. She tied them with ropes appearing from thin air and sent her Patronus to Kingsley.
Within a minute, half a dozen Aurors Apparated mere feets from where she was watching over the captives.
'Good night, Shacklebolt, sir!' she greeted her friend formally as they were surrounded by other Ministry people. 'Nott and Malfoy came out of the club as we expected them but when I tried to approach them, the other two attacked. I disarmed them and here they are.'
'Nice job, Miss Tonks. I await your full report on the case due tomorrow afternoon. For now, I take them to the Ministry myself. You are dismissed from tonight's duty. Go home and patch up yourself' he said in his low, rumbling voice as he looked on Tonks's dirty, burned clothes, wounds, and her visibly painful expression.
'It is not necessary, sir' answered Tonks with gritted teeth. She didn't want to seem weak in front of her colleagues.
'No, it's not, but you have already completed your task. See you tomorrow' said Kingsley and turned to the others, giving orders.
Tonks sighed and Disapparated.
At her flat's door, she stumbled as her ankle was not functioning properly. She grabbed the doorknob and forced her leg to bear her weight for a little longer. She opened the door and as she switched on the lights with a flick of her wand she had a strange feeling. She turned around and saw a dark heap lying on the corridor just outside her flat. She aimed her wand at it and carefully approached it.
'Lumos' she murmured to be able to see better and she gasped when she realised it was not something but somebody.
A pang in her chest told her she did not want to see who it was but she silenced it and, very carefully, turned the men to his back.
Remus!
She gave a cry and crouched down to check his pulse. It was slow, his face pale and cold.
'Wingardium Leviosa' she whispered and levitated Remus into her flat, quickly shut the door and hurried to the couch. Her ankle protested.
She sat next to Remus and tried to guess what could have possibly happened to him. His whole body was cold and stiff and he was unconscious. What was he doing here? Why now? How?
She had a hundred questions but she had to take care of him first. She cleaned up the mud from his robes and skin first, though most of the dirt stubbornly remained there. She sucked at cleaning charms.
She turned on the heating and with two moves of her wand the water for tea started to boil itself on the stove. She summoned a blanket and placed a pillow under Remus's head. His lips were dark purple. She tried not to panic.
She healed the deep cut on his forehead and tucked him under the blanket. When she took off his frozen shoes and felt his ice-cold feet she knew it wouldn't be enough. She started the water in her tiny bathroom and stood up.
Her ankle gave up and she fell back. She cried out at the sudden rush of pain.
Remus groaned and she turned to him immediately. He seemed to have woken up but didn't move a muscle.
'Remus, can you hear me?' she asked softly, touching his face. He groaned again but said nothing, his teeth clattering, his whole body shivering under the blanket. His eyes remained closed.
Tonks took off her shoes and examined her swollen ankle. It looked bad but she had no time to care about it yet. She took off the bandage she charmed there and summoned one of her stronger roll bandages. She tried her best with it and when she finished she could stand up, though not easily.
She levitated Remus to her bathroom and followed after, limping.
After taking off all his clothes except for the boxer, she placed the skinny body into the bathtub. The water was warm and she could see all the scars and bruises on Remus's body. He had many frost-bites as well. She felt a tug at her heart at the sight.
She gently washed his body and brushed her fingers along his jaw. She felt tears running down her cheeks. She sobbed. Seeing him like this, half-dead from some unknown hardship, it pained her more than not knowing where he was. She touched his parched lips.
Remus groaned again and this time he opened his eyes. They had problems adjusting to the lights but they finally found Tonks.
'Dora' he croaked.
'Yes?' she asked, leaning closer. The tears in her eyes made it harder to see properly but she blinked them away.
'I...you...how?' he murmured weakly with a questioning look in his eyes.
'I thought you would answer this question' murmured Tonks and started stroking his hair.
'I am cold' whispered Remus and he closed his eyes again. 'But I burn.'
'I know, Remus, I know. I am trying to warm you up. I have no idea how to, if not this' sobbed Tonks, still fighting down panic.
'Thanks' said Remus and he seemed to doze off but he shook himself. 'Dora, I need to....I must....'
'What's that?' leaned Tonks even closer.
'Need to tell you' he forced out of himself. 'I love you.'
And that was it. He said it. And then he lost consciousness.
She felt her chest aching with pain and love and worry.
She finished bathing him and levitated him to her bedroom. She dried his body and dressed him in a big T-shirt and trousers. When he finally lay safely tucked under a thick blanket, she crawled back to the bathroom to take a quick bath as well.
Her left elbow was reluctant to move and her right ankle was swollen and dark purple already. She knew she could have healed them but not in her current state. She dressed in the long T-shirt she usually wore for sleeping and dragged herself to her bed.
Remus was sleeping in there but it was big enough for both of them. She would just not sleep on the couch.
After checking if Remus was okay and warm, she gave him a soft kiss on the cheek, then just remembered the water boiling in the kitchen long forgotten. She didn't feel like drinking tea anymore. She turned the stove off. She climbed under her own blanket, edged a bit closer to Remus so that she could feel his lulling scent, and slept.
They could talk and solve their problems tomorrow, when they both felt better.

Some bright light was shining on his face and he woke up, his mind slowly processing the details. He was warm, his body sore but not in burning pain anymore. He had a cozy blanket and the most comfortable pillow possible under his head. A nice, heart-warming scent surrounded him.
He opened his eyes and saw a burst of colours. Lime green and orange and brown. He turned his head. Intense yellow and red. He turned it the other side. Blue and purple. He realised these colours were not part of the room. They belonged to a person. Nymphadora.
She was lying next to him, her mouth slightly open, her hair an interesting shade of purple. She was fast asleep.
He had no idea how he got here and no memory whatsoever after the freezing bitter night outside on the mountain. He remembered he was trying to catch up with the pack after he dropped behind to visit a nearby town and send an owl to Dumbledore with his report. He remembered being terribly cold and falling.
But nothing after that. Had she found him? If so, how? If not, how did he get here?
With these bothering questions in his head he was sure he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep but as he listened to Nymphadora's slow, peaceful breathing and he smelled her wonderful scent on his pillow, he slowly dozed off.

The next time Remus woke he found he was alone in the bed, still very comfortable and he heard Nymphadora's voice talking to someone in another room.
'Thanks, really, I always sucked at healing charms. I mean, don't tell anybody. I did pass the exams, after all' she said and Remus heard a man's deep laugh.
'I'm glad you feel better. You looked like crap last night' said the man and Remus immediately recognised Kingsley's voice.
'Oh, did I?' asked Nymphadora and Remus could hear she was smiling. 'Anyway, I don't want to keep you away from work. I just needed you to check on Remus. You have much better healing skills than I do.'
Did Kingsley come here because of him? Did he see him while asleep, all his scars and wounds uncovered? He shivered at the thought, shame burning in his veins. He felt his face paling.
'... so you are off duty for today. Please, be careful! Tell Remus I want to talk to him before he leaves again. Bye' he heard Kingsley saying.
'Thanks again' said Tonks and Remus heard distant footsteps. 'Bye!' A door closed and a few moments later the clinking of dishes could be heard. Then something must have fallen and broken to pieces.
'Bugger!' muttered Nymphadora in the kitchen and Remus couldn't help but smile.
He just decided on getting up and helping her but he only got to the point of sitting up when she appeared in the door. Her hair was now turned back to brown, not that purple which he had seen when she was asleep.
'Oh, wotcher, Remus! I didn't know you were up already' she said, smiling. ' You want some tea?' she asked and placed two mugs on the bedside table.
'Good morning' rasped Remus and moved to the side so Nymphadora had enough place to sit next to him. She did, closer than it would have been necessary.
'How are you feeling?' she asked, looking at him with concern.
'Fine' shrugged Remus and he felt his shoulder protest with a pang.
'Honestly. You look like shit' said Tonks. She was sure Remus felt awful but why would he deny?
'Okay, I feel like shit. How did you find me?' he asked, trying to change the topic.
'Well, it wasn't a hard job, you were lying outside my apartment. But how did you get here? I thought you were supposed to be on a very secret very important bloody stupid mission somewhere in the mountains' said Tonks, frowning, and took one of the mugs from the bedside table. Remus took the other one.
'I was there. I have no idea how I got here' he answered honestly and sipped tea, trying to figure out the mess in his brain. Tonks looked at him in doubt.
'All I know is that your body was half-frozen and you most probably almost died before getting here' she said, her voice turning into a whisper. 'Kingsley says you....you almost froze to death.'
'I am sure I almost did' nodded Remus. 'It was indeed pretty cold. I was lagging behind so that I could send a note to Dumbledore and when I tried to catch up with the others it just started snowing and it turned colder and I lost track. I had no idea where I was going but I knew I had to keep moving. But after a time it was... impossible' he muttered, his mind full of foggy memories of his sufferings from last night.
'What the hell were you thinking?' asked Tonks and looked up at him, her blue eyes tearful. Reproaching.
Remus did not answer. He reached out and rubbed a thumb over her cheek. She closed her eyes for a moment but then pulled away from his touch.
'You can't keep on like this, Remus. You will accomplish nothing but you are getting yourself killed' she said with a sad look in her eyes.
'I need to do this. Nobody else is more fitting for the job' he answered, looking away. He knew it was foolish but this was the perfect task for him. His life was worth no more. Living with the pack, with those animalistic, wild beasts, more monsters than humans, that was what he was meant to do.
Not only because this way the Order could actually use his condition to their advantage but also because it made him feel more worthless and despicable than ever. It reminded him every day of the reasons he could never have a girlfriend, a partner, a wife, children. A normal life. He needed this reminder to keep him from doing something stupid.
'Nobody else for the job? But what job, Remus? This is a useless, stupid job. It's a suicidal mission! Nobody wants or needs you to do this' she protested. Remus felt his chest panging with emptiness. So he was even more useless in her eyes than in his own? Amazing.
'Thank you for reminding me how worthless I am' he said in a dead voice. His fingers were numb around the mug in his lap.
'Oh, for Merlin's sake! You are NOT worthless, you could do a hundred real tasks that none of us are more fit for but you keep clinging to this stupid one. I would never say you are worthless, Remus. Never. You better remember this' she said and when he was still gazing into his tea with glassy eyes, she took the mug from him. A moment later, her small, warm hands took his cold ones and their fingers intervened on their own accord.
'What should I do then? What would you do in my place?' asked Remus in a low voice.
'I don't know. What about not fleeing, maybe?' she asked in a bitter tone.
'You don't understand' muttered Remus. He wanted to draw his hands from her grip but she defied his half-hearted pull.
'No, I truly don't!' she said and edged even closer. 'Remus, you are killing yourself and you are wasting your skills and energy on a useless mission while you could do so much if you just stayed here.' And you would be closer to me, she added in her mind.
'I can't. I am not able to stay and keep away from you. It's impossible' he admitted. He felt his cheeks burning.
'Then don't!' she exclaimed. 'Why would you place yourself in danger just because you are a stubborn ass?'
'I can't be with you. Not like this' he said and his voice was firm.
'Not like what, Remus?' asked Tonks softly. 'I love you and you love me. We are both single. Why can't it be this simple?'
'Because I am a werewolf. Also, I am older and I am poor and I am an unbearable stubborn ass, as you just pointed out' he said. 'Besides, how can you be sure I love you? I never told you.'
'You did' whispered Tonks and her eyes were full of pain and fear. 'Last night when I was bathing you, you woke up and told me you loved me. It seemed very important to you, telling me that' she said and she smiled weakly.
'So I did, after all. I wanted to, for a long time' admitted Remus. 'But last night, lying on the ground, slowly freezing to death I realised I never had the opportunity. That kept me moving, I remember now!' he said, a bit excited that his memories were coming back.
'You idiot!' choked Tonks out and Remus just realised she was silently crying. He pulled her closer and placed a hand on her shoulder.
'I also remember trying to get up. But I couldn't. And then... ' he muttered, forcing his mind to remember. It was so close but he couldn't catch it.
'What happened then, Remus?' whispered Tonks. Her voice was hoarse. Remus tried to remember.
'You screamed!' he exclaimed finally. ' Yes, I remember you were screaming. I must have hallucinated. I thought you were in danger so I had to get to you. I... I must have Apparated' he stammered.
'And you probably fainted from the effort' murmured Tonks.
'Yes, I guess I did' admitted Remus. 'So you saved me, after all' he said and looked Tonks deep in the eye.
She was not able to answer, just flung her arms around his neck and hugged him close. She did not care about the consequences. She hugged him and it was uncomfortable with their awkward positions on the bed but she did not care.
'And Remus.... I did scream last night' whispered Tonks into his neck. She remembered the pain shooting through her body both at the curse hitting her elbow and when falling.
'What happened?' asked Remus through the lump in his throat.
'Just work' she shrugged. 'I fought Lucis Malfoy and three other Death Eaters. They proved to be... unwilling to give up without a good fight.'
'And you got injured?' asked Remus, his tone worried, and he pushed Tonks away a bit so he could look at her body, scanning for injuries.
'Of course I did. I usually do even when going out to the kitchen' she said, rolling her eyes.
'Dora' said Remus in a warning tone. 'Were you seriously injured?'
'Not much. A few curses and a sprained ankle. Kingsley patched me up this morning though' she said and then smiled. ' But it's nice to see you care, after all.'
'Of course I do. I usually do, even when you go out to the kitchen' answered Remus with a smirk, repeating her words. Tonks laughed.
'You are a jerk' she assured him.
'I know' nodded Remus solemnly. 'But you are as stupid as I am, risking your life every day. You do the same as I do. You can't possibly be angry at me after this.'
'But my job is useful. I mean, it should be. It used to be' muttered Tonks. 'I wouldn't mind you fighting Death Eaters by my side. I would be dead terrified for you every time but it would be still better than this' she said.
'Only I can't be an Auror. I can't even be a wizard anymore' he said bitterly.
'Let Dumbledore decide that, would you?' asked Tonks softly. ' I want you to talk to him. Now that you admitted you love me I wouldn't let you risk your life for nothing. Also, Kingsley wants to talk to you.'
'I know' muttered Remus. ' I heard him leaving. Did he really heal my wounds?' Did he really see me naked? Does he know how battered it looks?
'Yes, he did heal you. Only your arms and legs' she added hastily. 'I took care of your....other parts' she said, blushing. 'I knew you would hate to be seen like that but I had already seen all of it when I cleaned you up last night. It couldn't be helped. And since you were unconscious but you needed curing...'
'Thank you' said Remus, cutting her off. 'For taking care of me and for not letting him... for not letting Kingsley see it. I know I look disgusting. I am just sorry you had to see it.'
'Remus, for me, you are perfect. I don't care about your scars, you need to know it' murmured Tonks. Remus cast a doubtful look at her.
'You don't need to say this' he croaked and looked away. Could this conversation turn any more awkward?
'You're wrong, I need to. Because I truly believe it and I want you to know it' said Tonks in a soft voice and touched his face, guiding his eyes at her face. It was flaming with strong love, Remus could see it, but understood none of it. Why? How?
'I don't understand. How can you not see what I am? How can you be so close yet unable to see me?' he asked in pain. It was killing him, seeing her love and knowing it wasn't for him. Not really for him, but the man Tonks believed he was. It was so close and yet it was forever out of his reach.
'I think it's you who is unable to see clearly' whispered Tonks. 'Ask Dumbledore. Ask Harry.'
'We both know they happen to trust everybody regardless of whether they deserve that trust or not' said Remus, shaking his head.
'Then trust me' asked Tonks.
'I can't. Not in this' said Remus and closed his eyes. ' You are biased. Merlin knows why, but you think you know me and you love that person you think I am.'
'I think I know you?' cried Tonks. It was as if Remus slapped her.
'I'm sorry, Dora' whispered Remus. He stood up, his stiff muscles protesting, his joints cracking. 'Thank you, for everything.'
He left the room and did not look back. He could hear Nymphadora sobbing behind him. It took everything that was left in him not to go back. He found his shoes and cloak in the living room, took them, then stepped out of the flat and Disapparated. The last thing he heard was Tonks crying 'Why?', her voice pain itself, and the next moment he disappeared, leaving his shattered heart behind.