Anguish and Anger

Hey! Happy Marauders' Day! Pottermore just posted some new stuff (actually, no new infos but four illustrations and a cool quiz) on the Marauders and I was waiting for the opportunity to write a fic for aaages, really, so.... I kinda mixed two ideas into one fic becasue I know I wouldn't have time to write all of them, I had at least five new Remadora fic ideas just this week. But, ugh, university and stuff...meh.
So welcome this brand new Remadora oneshot. And check out Ed Sheeran's Masters of War acoustic cover, which clearly had some influence on this work.

White, milky fog swam in the drakness outside, circling the trees of the park and surrounding the cars parking by the side of the road. The light of the full moon illuminated the young woman's face who sat by the window, gazing out with a sad expression on her face.
- Mind if I join you, cousin? - asked Sirius as he crouched by her side, not waiting for the answer.
Tonks didn't say anything, didn't even move her head to acknowledge his presence. She just stared at the moon, her head tilted against the window, her breaths leaving small clouds on the glass.
- He's out there - whispered Tonks after a time, maybe just to herself.
- It's okay - muttered Sirius and felt his heart twisting. It was anything but okay. And he knew it, he felt it. But right at that moment it seemed Tonks needed comforting even more than he did.
- I should be there - murmured the woman. - Or rather, he should be here. Safe and warm.
- He should - agreed Sirius with a curt nod. His arms felt cold and stiff but he placed one of them awkwardly on Tonks's shoulder, pulling her into his embrace. She was tense and miserable.
- Why can he not be then? - groaned Tonks and closed her eyes in pain, just to open them within a few seconds, gaze riveting back to the moon hanging heavy from the dark sky.
- I used to gaze up at the moon every month, you know - said Sirius deep in thought. - At Azkaban. That was one of the few things tying me to the real world, you know, outside. Every month, I would just watch the full moon for hours and think of him. Wondering whether he was still alive, whether he had a place to dwell at. Whether he was even more miserable than I was.
- And did that help your mood? - asked Tonks quietly, eyes still focused on the pale globe.
- Not at all - laughed Sirius, his laugh like barking. - It only made me feel even worse, usually. But it also gave me hope, somehow. Imagining him being safe, in a nice home, maybe even with a loving woman and a few mischievous kids. With the Wolfsbane and a caring family, he could have had such a nice life, one that he deserved.
- But he never had - whispered Tonks and a single tear slid down her cheek.
- He might in the future - responded Sirius and glanced at his cousin's face.
She said nothing but her face got even more depressed. Sirius tugged on her robes.
- I know you two have something going on between you. Will you not feed me some details so that I can sleep at night and not worry about him, about you, all the time?
- There is not much to tell - shrugged Tonks.
- Still - instisted Sirius.
- He is almost as stubborn as you are, Padfoot. He wouldn't even think about us, because he is 'too poor and too old and too dangerous' and all - said Tonks bitterly, imitating Remus's intonation and voice.
- He'll see reason - answered Sirius, trying to sound more optimistic about it than he actually was.
- But when? - sighed Tonks, teary eyes glued to the moon.
- He is an exceedingly clever wizard and a brave man - said Sirius, this time fully convinced of the truth in his words. - He will do his best to do what is right. Just give him time.
- How much time, Sirius? - asked Tonks. After a few seconds she added in a whisper: - How much time, Remus?

*

How much time? How much time since he last felt warm? How much time since he ate something he'd worked for instead of stealing? Also, how much time till he becomes the monster the pack wants him to be? How much till his mind cracks?
Remus was lying in the cold mud, his bones on fire, his muscles in agonising pain. The rise after the full moon. He contemplated staying there and never moving again, it seemed like a pretty good idea.
But then a boot connected with his ribs, sending him flying and falling onto his back. He hissed in a breath.
- Get up, you filthy lot! - bellowed the all too familiar voice and Remus heard as one of Greyback's boots kicked another, earning a painful moan in response.
Remus slowly blinked his eyes open and sat up, scrubbing dried mud from his face. His jaw protested as he spat even more mud mixed with blood onto the ground.
As he looked around, he saw others trying to stand up and tend to their wounds before they got another pressing kick from their Alpha. Greyback. That bastard.
He carefully rose to his feet and almost fell back at once. His left ankle was swollen and throbbing. He gritted his teeth and fought the desire to reach for his hidden wand disguised and strapped to his leg. Wand use was strictly forbidden for everybody in the pack but Greyback himself. He would need to wait until the others got occupied with something else and he could be alone for a second to cure his new injury. Until that...
He limped to the cave and walked through the crowd of naked men and women, all looking for their bags and clothes. It felt so... surreal.
The makeshift camp with the damp cave, the naked, dirty bodies full of scars, the old ones pale against the skin, the new ones still bleeding. The guilty air surrounding him, probably the only single member of the pack who was worried about what he might had done last night. The only one not eager to know whether he murdered someone or not.
He took up his shabby clothes, his body ice cold and in pain. He closed his eyes for a moment, praying he killed nobody and did nothing irreversible last night under the influence of the full moon. He should have killed himself instead, not giving the monster in him the opportunity for murder. But he had to fight. He wanted to believe people needed him. He had to save many more before he died. He had to serve his purpose before Death would finally take him.
Someone bumped into him, almost sending him to the ground. He swayed but didn' fall.
- Drag your asses out here, pups! I don't have all day till you get your godsdamned asses together! - cried Greyback from the mouth of the cave, where most of the pack already surrounded him.
Remus sighed and started limping there. As he stared at his feet, he felt more miserable and replaceable than ever. Less worthy and less loved than ever.
Loved... he could have been loved. If not for his... condition, he could have had a normal life. A good job and a small but cozy home. Even children. His chest felt hollow and heavy. He could have had all if not for Greyback.
Greyback, who just started barking at them, his eyes full of agression and malice. This monster was the reason he had nothing. No friends, no love... no cozy home or family. No warm smiles or bright pink hair in his life.
Anger burned inside him, making his vision blurred. He hated Greyback more than ever. Maybe for the first time in his life, he blamed him for everything. For all the death and destruction. For more than he could have possibly been responsible for. He hated him with seething rage and it warmed his body and his lifeless limbs. Flames ignited his death cold, raw emotions.
He promised himself he would live to see Greyback die. He would make sure he is dead, never hurting anyone else anymore, never ever having the power to destroy another's dreams and hopes. Never would he take away someone else's choice again. He vowed to himself he would fight and suffer just to see him die. And he was only hoping his death would come soon. Oh yes, he would be there. He would watch him perish. He had to.